


It Wears Me Out

by MrMagpie



Category: Radiohead (Band)
Genre: Angst, Kinda smut at the end, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 20:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12395571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrMagpie/pseuds/MrMagpie
Summary: There's a lot of myself in this.Ed loves Colin, everybody knows, Colin's got hurricanes inside him.





	1. ch. 1

“I mean, she’s not the brightest bird around, but she is quite sweet and she certainly loves Cozzie. She can cook, too, makes the best Yorkshire pudding I’ve ever had,” Jonny muttered, lighting the cigarette dangling from his lips and handing the lighter back to Ed.

Jonny and Ed strolled through the city aimlessly, gossiping about Colin’s long-time girlfriend. It was a cold, but sunny day, and the city was busy but quiet. Jonny watched the sidewalk beneath his feet, on the prowl for crunchy leaves to step on. Ed looked forward, back straight, hands in his jean pockets. It was common knowledge that Ed fancied Colin, everyone knew, including Colin. But Ed never brought it up around him, as he was certain Colin would never share his feelings. Jonny was always available to talk with him about it though, answering all his questions about Colin’s relationships. He had been seeing this girl for a while, Ed didn’t hate her and was only a bit jealous. He was just happy for his friend, and he actually was delighted to hear stories about how happy she made him.

“No chance of them breaking up, then,” Ed said playfully, grinning at Jonny and watching as he exhaled and the sun illuminated the particles in his cigarette smoke. He squinted and looked away.

“Probably not, mate. I’ll let you know if they have another disagreement, though. I’m rooting for ya,” Jonny said, eyeing Ed sideways.

“Thanks mate.”

They reached the corner where they had to part ways to go to their respective homes. Ed nodded at Jonny and they parted.

———

Colin lied on his bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to the record play.

_Every time I see you falling_  
_I get down on my knees and pray_  
_I'm waiting for that final moment  
You say the words that I can't say_

He had just gotten off the phone with his girlfriend, she had tried her hardest to cheer him up, even offering to come over and make him dinner. He politely declined, the thought of food in his stomach making it churn. She was always so kind to him, and it frustrated him. He knew he didn’t deserve her. He knew how her heart swelled for him, he saw the way her big brown eyes lit up every time she saw him, even when he was looking strung out and unkept. She always looked so put together, her clothes weren’t fancy but they fit her well, her messy, blonde curls spilling over her shoulders and skinny chest. Her hair was always in her face, and Colin loved that she never pinned it back. Seeing her hair bounce around and get tangled and cover her eyes left him hot and needy. They had been together for a year and a quarter, Colin knowing no one as lovely as her would ever fancy him.

He swallowed his thick saliva down his dry throat, and turned to his bedside table in search of a drink. When he found none, he rolled over on his side and stared at his wood panelled wall. The record droned on, background music accompanying his noisy thoughts.

_I do admit to myself_  
_That if I hurt someone else  
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be_

He thought about how he wished he had a lover who would crush him, metaphorically and physically. His girlfriend was sweet, and gentle, and it drove him mad. He wanted someone who would leave him bloody and beaten. He wanted someone to dig their claws into his back and shove his head down and make him cry. He needed the weight of another person to keep him from floating away. He’d been feeling this way for months. His skin crawled and his limbs felt heavy and he felt like there was a tornado in his belly, descending from his brain, crashing through his chest, and wreaking havoc on his insides. Every corner of his mind ached, so he lit another cigarette and sat up, watching the record turn.

_This is a song about an innocent  
Who died at the hands of a desperate man…_

He heard the front door shut and knew his brother was home. He had probably met up with Ed. He knew Ed fancied him, and he always wanted to take advantage of that fact, but he couldn’t do such a thing to one of his best mates. Ed was handsome, beautiful, even. Colin thought about his arms a lot, he wanted them to hold him tight and pull him down, back to Earth. He thought about his smile and the faces he pulled, how genuine his expressions always were. Ed was innocent, in a way. He was a bit of a slut, but his emotions were pure, clean-cut, not muddled and murky like Colin’s always were. He stared at the record for a while, smoking quickly in a feeble attempt at getting a nicotine buzz. It never worked. He waited for his brother to come in and greet him.

_I'll never forget the joy in his face_  
_He'd laugh and he'd cry and he'd ruin my place_  
_He'd drive me crazy, and he'd drive me wild_  
_I used to scream and shout all day long_

He finished his cigarette before he looked up to find Jonny standing in his doorway, leaning on the frame, watching his brother with a perfect poker face. He was reading Colin, and Colin suddenly felt naked. Still holding the burning cigarette butt between his fingers, he held himself, and finally spoke.

“How’s Ed?” his words didn’t even seem to carry all the way to Jonny, the small sounds only making it halfway across the room. Jonny stepped in and sat next to him on the bed.

“He’s alright, Cozzie,” Jonny put his arm around his brother and plucked the cigarette butt from his fingers, putting it out in the ash tray sitting on the bedside table, “are you?” he asked, squeezing his older, but smaller brother closer to him.

Colin shrugged. “Just sick.”

Jonny kissed the top of his head and inhaled the smell of his silky dark hair. Honey suckle. “I know.”

“Sydney called,” Colin finally said, remembering his conversation with his girlfriend earlier. How quickly his thoughts had wandered elsewhere.

“How is she?”

“Worried about me.”

“We all are.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know if it’s your fault or not, but you tend to blame yourself for everything, so I’m gonna say you don’t have to be sorry.”

“Shut up, Jonathan.”

Jonny ignored him. “Would you like some tea?”

“Yes, please.”

Jonny kissed his temple, giving him one final squeeze, and hopped off the bed, heading for the kitchen.


	2. ch. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by me smoking too much.

Ed sat on the floor of his flat, leaning against his sofa, a bong in his lap and the tv telling him what he should buy next. He took a hit, listening intently to the bubbling sound the piece made, holding the smoke in for a few seconds before watching it exit his lungs and fill the room. He liked the look of his flat when it was filled with smoke, a soft haze settling and rays of light breaking through his broken blinds adding dusty details to the air. His thoughts were on Colin again, and he tried to drown them in smoke and mindless television. He packed the bong again and took another hit, feeling the burning in his chest as his head felt light and his eyes heavy. He thought about going out to a pub again tonight, as he did almost every night. He was so goddamn lonely all the time, living alone and never having a steady relationship. He’d meet someone at the pub, take them home, send them off the next day after a cup of tea, and ignore their calls until he ran into them again, and the process began again. He wanted to be in a relationship, or at least he thought he did, but with no one but Colin. No one interested him like Colin did. He thought about the way Colin spoke, always enthusiastic; no matter the subject, he had an opinion on it. He never seemed pompous in his opinions the way Thom did. He always had pleasant conversations with Colin, he was never interrupted, only listened to with such attentiveness, Ed felt like the things he said actually mattered. He thought about the way Colin carried himself, delicately, effeminate, but with an heir of masculinity about him that Ed honestly was jealous of. He thought about his hands, his fingers, long and elegant and much smaller than his own, but still strong enough to play his bass with tenacity and large enough to look too-big for his tiny body. He thought about his smile, how genuine it was, taking up his entire face. And his big, green, owl-eyes. How they always looked soft and made him look like he could be trusted with anything, how tiny crow’s feet appeared when he smiled, making him look distinguished but not old. No, Colin could never look old. He was the picture of youth and vibrancy.

Ed found himself with his eyes closed, bong still in hand, neck stretched back so he could lay his head on the sofa. He opened his eyes and looked up at the smoky haze above his head, and he felt tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He knew Colin wasn’t doing well these days, and he was desperate for a way to help him. He had no idea how to, he knew spending too much time with Colin would only put stress on their relationship. He knew his feelings for him would get in the way of his ability to comfort him. He knew there was nothing he could do but stand idly by and watch as his best friend, the love of his life, crumbled to dust and get carried away by the wind. He found himself crying full-on now. He thought about calling Colin, dragging him out of his ugly bedroom, taking him to the pub and showing him a good time. He had no ill intentions, he just wanted to see him happy. He’d been able to push his feelings down for this long, what’s one more night? A little booze had never made him slip-up, and he didn’t see how this time would be any different. He had gotten drunk with Colin loads of times. It may have made him a bit more touchy, but Colin was touchy back, and their touches never did any harm. He wiped the tears from his face and looked at his hands. He decided on one more bong rip for courage, then he would ring Colin.

———

Ed stood in the kitchen, tangled in the telephone chord, nervously picking at a hangnail and waiting for Colin to pick up. He hoped he would. He’d feel stupid if he reached his answering machine.

When Ed was certain he wasn’t going to answer, he finally did.

“Hello?” Colin’s voice sounded small and distant, like he’d just been crying.

“Cozzie… it’s Ed. How are you?” He kept his voice low, thinking if he spoke too loud or aggressively Colin might shatter.

“Ed, hi,” his voice perked up a bit, “I’m… still breathing, how are you?”

“I’m uh… the same. Listen, I want to take you out tonight. To a pub. Just us. Would you like that?”

There was a long pause, and every second made Ed more nervous than the last.

“Yeah… I think I would like that. Thank you Ed.”

Ed smiled into the phone. “I’ll pick you up in… about half an hour, then. Is that alright?”

“Yes, I’ll be ready. See you then.”

“See ya.” And they both hung up.

Ed looked at himself in the mirror, touched his hair a bit, and frowned. He was looking rough, and stoned. He knew it didn’t matter to Colin what he looked like, but he always held onto hope that he might impress him. He splashed some cold water on his face, grabbed his keys and wallet, and headed down the street toward the flat Colin and Jonny shared.


	3. ch. 3

Before Ed made it to the steps to Colin and Jonny’s flat, Colin meekly stepped out the door and closed it behind him, walking down the steps and greeting Ed on the footpath.

“Shall we?” Ed said, pretending to be a proper gentleman on a date with his pretty boyfriend.

Colin almost smiled, and they began walking. “Where are you taking me?” he asked.

“Jacob’s.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely.”

“I like it there, it’s cozy.”

“Yeah.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes, Ed trying to find the words to say to Colin. He knew a few beers would help him. It was chilly and dark out, even colder than his earlier walk with Jonny. He looked down at Colin, who seemed to be marching through the cold breeze, eager to reach the warmth of the pub. He pulled his hand out of his coat pocket and slid his arm around Colin’s shoulders, pulling him closer to him. Colin looked up at him curiously.

“You tryin’ t’ cop a feel, Edward?” Colin joked.

Ed smiled. “You look cold and miserable.”

“I am cold and miserable. How much further?”

“Just around this corner. Don’t be so whiny, I’m trying to cheer you up.”

“Everybody’s trying to cheer me up these days.”

“I bet it gets on your nerves by now.”

“It does. But this is really nice. We haven’t been spending enough time together, Ed.”

“I know, I’m sorry mate.”

“Why is that?”

“You know, I don’t want you to accidentally fall in love with me.” Ed grinned and looked down at Colin. He had made him smile, finally.

“Is that what happened to you?”

Ed blushed. “Yes, actually.”

They reached the pub and Ed opened the door for his pretty date, making him smile a second time. Ed was keeping track.

The pub wasn’t terribly packed, but not desolate either. It smelled of old wood, cinnamon candles, toast, and something green. The men found a table in the corner by a window, and Ed ordered them some drinks. He sat across from Colin, who was watching the condensation slide down the side of his glass. He studied him; his eyes were now a duller shade of green, his face looked tired, he looked lost and small and far away. He thought Colin might be on the verge of tears so he said something.

“So… I guess it would be kind of silly to ask how you’ve been.”

Colin didn’t take his eyes off the glass. “Yeah yeah, everyone knows I’m depressed. I guess it’s good because people are generous with me, but it’s a bit of a pain, you know?”

Ed took a sip of his drink. “You probably just want to be left alone.”

Colin finally looked up into Ed’s eyes. “I really do.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you out here Coz, maybe it was a bad idea,” Ed said, looking away from Colin and out the window behind him.

“No! No Ed, no this is lovely. I already feel better. You always know how to cheer me up, it’s why I wish I saw you more.” A smile pulled at the corner of Colin’s mouth, but never fully developed.

“I feel bad about that… but you know I just don’t want to get between you and Sydney. I’m pretty sure she knows I fancy you. She must, by now, everyone else does,” Ed said, rolling his eyes.

Colin reached across the table and held Ed’s fingers, rubbing one with his thumb and boring holes into his head with his eyes. “It’s okay, Ed, really. She likes you. And I like you too, a lot. You can be around more, if you want. I want that.” Ed stared at their fingers, Colin’s thumb still caressing his index finger. He swallowed dryly and exhaled, trying to push some sort of coherent speech from his lungs. Colin watched him for a moment then sighed, putting his hand back on his lap. “C’mon Ed,” he said, lifting his glass, “let’s finish these and get another round, we’ll never get drunk at this rate.” Ed was snapped out of his trance and looked at Colin obtusely. He blinked and finally registered where he was and what he was doing there. He lifted his glass and clinked it with Colin’s.

“Yeah… cheers.”

———

By drink number six the boys had moved from their table to a cozy leather sofa close to the bar. The pub had become more packed, they’d be uncomfortable if they weren’t drunk. Ed had his arm swung around Colin and Colin was on the edge of his seat talking to Ed avidly. Ed’s head was swimming and Colin’s words were swirling around him like a hurricane. He was kept afloat by seeing the love of his life seemingly happy and excitable. He sat in a daze, watching how Colin spoke with his hands, eyes wide and face bright. This was the Colin he fell in love with.

Colin stopped when he noticed Ed staring. “Ed, why are you looking at me like that?” He pouted.

“You’re beautiful, Colin.”

“Oh Ed, you’re drunk.” Colin blushed. “We should head home, it’s late.”

“Will you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to go home and be lonely again.”

Colin frowned, thinking how miserable Ed must be living all by himself. “Sure. But can we call a taxi? I don’t want to walk in the cold again.”

“But then I won’t get to put my arm around you on the way home.” Ed stuck his bottom lip out.

Colin laughed. “You big puppy. You can put your arm around me in the taxi, how about that?”

Ed smiled and pulled his phone from his pocket to dial the cab.


	4. ch. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colin cries a lot, and tries to fuck Ed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while listening to AMSP, so it's pretty miserable.

Once in Ed’s flat, Ed made his way to the thermostat to turn the furnace up. He turned to Colin who was holding himself by the door.

“Cold?” he asked, walking towards him. Colin nodded. Ed wrapped his arms around his waist and held him close, resting his chin on Colin’s shoulder. Colin didn’t hesitate to hold him back, wrapping his arms around his neck and burying his face in Ed’s chest. This was the kind of touch Colin had been so desperately craving — held down by a pair of strong arms, anchored to reality. Colin sighed and felt his eyes get misty. Ed couldn’t see his face, but could feel his disposition beginning to melt beneath his touch. He felt how Colin tensed, trying to keep himself from unravelling, so he held him tighter.

“You can cry,” Ed whispered. Colin nodded into his chest, let out a shuddered breath, and let himself burst at the seams. His tears were silent at first, but became more frantic, more sobbing, making his entire body shake. His knees buckled and he felt himself holding onto Ed for dear life, who easily kept him on his feet. Ed whispered sweet, meaningless nothings into the crook of his neck, hushing him, _it’s okay, it’s okay, i love you Cozzie, I love you, it’s okay._

After what felt like hours, Colin pulled away, looking up at Ed, tears still trickling down his face. He sniffled and tried to say something, but only a sob made it out of his mouth, so he looked down at the dingy carpet beneath him. Ed wiped a tear from his cheek with his thumb, which made Colin look up into his eyes. Colin looked so miserable, so small, with storms and earthquakes behind his expression. Ed leaned in and kissed him — chaste, delicate, breathing all the love in the world into his mouth. He pulled away, looking at Colin, waiting for a response. Waiting for his expression to turn to anger, waiting for him to slap his hand off his cheek and swear at him. But Colin just looked at him with those big, sad, hurricane eyes.

“I’m sorry… that was out of line. I didn’t know how to —“ Ed made to pull his hand away from Colin’s face, but Colin placed his hand over his wrist and kept it firmly planted there.  
“Ed, that was exactly what I needed. You always know exactly what I need, and you always have.” Ed smiled, just barely, and finally lowered his hand to hold both of Colin’s. “Can we go to bed?” Colin asked, voice still small but less distant. Ed nodded and lead him into the bedroom.

Colin was first to remove his trousers and crawl into Ed’s bed, diving deep under the blankets. Ed followed suit. Colin snuggled up to him, holding him close. Ed held him, putting weight on him, not letting him float away again.

———

Colin woke up, feeling warm, too warm, uncomfortably warm. Ed was still asleep, his arms wrapped firmly around him and his morning wood poking at Colin’s thigh. Colin wanted him, right then, he had never been so certain of anything in his life. He wanted Ed to pin him to the bed and spit in his mouth and make him bleed. He felt angsty and tense and wanted to rip his skin off. He needed Ed to devour him completely, chew him up and spit him out. He didn’t care about the repercussions of his actions, he knew what he needed, to feel… better? To feel something. Anything other than hollow and unattached. He gripped Ed’s thigh and began grinding his own hard-on into his hip — slowly, with pressure, and purpose. The contact woke Ed up, slowly, sleepily. Good, now Ed could take control and fuck him into the ground.

Ed moved away from Colin as soon as he realised what was happening. The sudden loss of contact making Colin inhale sharply. “Cozzie! What are you doing? Are you awake?”

“I’m awake.”

“Are you aware that you were humping me?” Ed said, sitting up and trying not to sound too startled, even though his heart was beating a thousand beats per minute.

“I want you, Ed. No, I need you. Right now,” Colin sounded desperate and like there were tears behind his words, “I need you to keep me tethered to this reality, I’m hovering just above it. I need you, please. I know you want this, and I’m telling you I want it too. Please Ed. 

Ed stared down at Colin, eyes wide and jaw slack. Colin looked up at him desperately, another category five hurricane threatening to break at the corners of his eyes. Ed’s expression softened. He knew Colin was in a bad place, but damn.

“Cozzie,” Ed voice was soft and soothing, “you don’t want to fuck me, you just want to feel something. Having sex with me won’t fix you, it’ll only complicate things. I get it, Colin, but we’re not doing this. I won’t let you. I’m sorry.” Ed swung his leg over the side of the bed, making to stand up. “Just… take a moment, okay? Breathe. I’ll make us some tea. You’ll be okay.”

Colin grabbed his arm to keep him from getting up. “I’ll leave Sydney for you,” he said suddenly. His words rang through the room, breaking a silence that was never really there.

“You don’t really mean that, Colin.”

“I do mean it. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” Colin moved to pull his knees up to his chest and hold himself. He lowered his voice. “I want something new, I want you.”

“You want something new, but I’m not it. Just please don’t do anything stupid, okay Coz?”

Colin was silent. Ed rose to his feet and made his way to the kitchen to put tea on.

———

Ed sat at his kitchen table, head in his hands, waiting for the kettle to whistle at him. Colin said he had been thinking about leaving Sydney for him for a while. Ed couldn’t believe those words. He knew Colin had been fucked up lately but this was more than he expected. Ed had been in love with Colin for years, and now Colin finally wanted him back? He knew Colin didn’t love him the way he loved Colin, he just wanted to see what it was like to be with him. He knew Colin would get sick of him eventually and break his heart. He didn’t blame him, Colin didn’t have any malicious intentions, he was just lost. Lost and depressed and out of touch. He wracked his brain for something to say to him to help things make sense, to help calm the storm in his chest.

Colin made his way to the kitchen, standing in the archway, holding himself with his head down, looking up at Ed. He started crying and Ed rushed over to hold him.

“I’m sorry Ed,” Colin sobbed into his chest, “that was really fucked up of me. I meant it when I said I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, but I don’t want to hurt you. I could never do that to you. I love you so much please forgive me, I’ve been a right arse lately. I’m so lost Ed.”

Ed hushed him and cooed and planted sweet kisses in his hair, rocking him and allowing him to put his full weight on his chest. “It’s okay, Cozzie. It really is. I’m okay, and you’ll be okay too. You just need to sort some stuff out in your head and I’m not going anywhere, I’ll help you as much as I can. I’m sorry you’re such a mess these days. I love you.”

Colin pulled away and roughly wiped the tears from his face. “Why are you always so good to me, Ed? You always have been. I know I don’t deserve it.”

“You deserve more than you think, love.”

The tea kettle whistled on the stove, signalling the water was ready.

“Come have some tea with me. It’ll be alright.”


	5. ch. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a goddamn meltdown in the middle of writing this.

Ed walked Colin home after tea. They stood on Colin’s porch looking down at their feet.

“Thank you Ed, for everything. Sorry about this morning.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll call you later, to check up on you. Be good to yourself.”

Colin let out a small, airy laugh. Be good to himself, yeah right. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“See ya.” And Ed walked off. Colin stood on his porch for a while, before he couldn’t handle the cold anymore, and went inside.

“Jonny, I’m home!” But there was no reply. Jonny must have gone out. He decided to call Sydney.

He sat on his bed, phone on his lap, and dialled her number. She picked up after three rings. It was always three rings.

“Hello?”

“Hey Syd, it’s me.”

“Colin! Love, how are you feeling?”

“Uhh…not much better, honestly.”

“Oh, poo.”

“Yeah.” There was a pause before Colin spoke again. “Ed took me out last night.”

“Oh fun! What did you two get into?”

“He took me to the pub. It was nice.”

“Oh that sounds lovely. I’m glad you had a nice time.” Colin could feel her smile through the phone. It broke his heart.

“I’ve got to talk to you about something, love.”

“What’s that?”

“You know I’ve been struggling with my depression.”

“Yes.”

“I think… maybe we should take a break.” Colin held his breath.

“Oh…”

“I’m sorry Syd. I still love you as much as I always have. I’m just really lost right now and I need to find myself before I can do this. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright Colin… I understand. Do you think you’ll come back to me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Alright. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She hung up.

Colin sighed, putting the phone back on his nightstand. He decided to put a record on.

_The rain falls hard on a humdrum town_  
_This town has dragged you down_  
_Oh the rain falls hard on a humdrum town_  
_This town has dragged you down_

He lit a cigarette, and lied down in his bed. He wouldn’t cry again, he was sure he had no tears left. He wondered where his brother was. He imagined Sydney crying alone in her bedroom — sobbing, as he did last night. He wasn’t sure if he’d made the right decision. He knew she’d take him back in a heartbeat, and considered calling her back and telling her he made a mistake and he takes it all back. He knew she deserved better, and he couldn’t torture her like he has anymore.

He thought about Ed, he flooded his mind again and took him away. He hated how he did that. Sydney was what mattered right now. He should be thinking of her. He held himself and cried, much to his surprise. He wondered if Ed would make love to him now that she was no longer in the picture. He doubted it.

He hadn’t heard Jonny come in. Suddenly he was scooped up in his embrace. He didn’t say a word, only held him. He tried to soak up all of his pain. Colin cried into his chest for a moment. He was finally starting to calm down. He looked up at his brother, who was watching him with worry on his face. He hated how he did this to everyone who loved him.

“I broke up with Sydney.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Oh, love. You’re a mess.”

_I'm spellbound, oh...but a woman divides_  
_And the hills are alive with celibate cries_  
_But you know where you came from, you know where_  
_You're going and you know where you belong_  
_You said I was ill, and you were not wrong_

“I think I love Ed.”

“I think he might be what you need right now, honestly.”

Colin looked up at him and studied his eyes. He looked calm, less worried, less concerned. He looked undisturbed, placid, soothing.

“You really think so?”

“I do. Come have tea with me and watch some telly.”

“Alright.”

Jonny stopped the turntable, took the record off, and put it back in its sleeve. He delicately helped Colin off the bed, and went into the kitchen, expecting him to follow. Colin stood their for a moment, staring aimlessly at his empty doorway. He hugged himself and dragged his feet as he went into the living room and plopped down on the sofa.


	6. final chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sort of smut.

That night, Colin lied in his bed, half asleep. He waited as long as he could for Ed to call, but he never did. He sighed and stared at the phone, still holding onto hope he might call. Finally, the phone rang. He picked up after the first ring.

“Ed?”

“Hey Cozzie. Were you asleep?”

“Almost,” he said sitting up, and twirling the phone chord around his fingers.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright. I’m glad you called.”

“So what did you do today?”

“Um… I broke up with Syd.”

“What? Oh Colin, why?” he didn’t sound nearly as thrilled as Colin was expecting.

“I just… don’t want to be with her anymore. It’s not a good time for us.”

“I’m sorry Cozzie.”

“No it’s fine, really. I’m okay.”

“Is she okay?”

“Probably not.” Ed shuffled his feet, unsure of what to say next. He thought Colin had made a mistake, but he knew he was a grown man and he knew what he was doing. Maybe this was right for him. “I told Jonathan… that I think I love you,” Colin finally said.

Ed took a moment to realise what had just been said. “…Do you mean that?”

“I do. I hope you believe me. He said he thinks you’re what I need right now.”

“But does that mean I’ll be what you need after all this is over?”

“I think you’re the only thing that will keep this from happening again. You make me feel whole, Ed.”

There was another pause. Ed felt as giddy as a school girl, but still not entirely convinced. “Can I come over? I know it’s late, but I want to talk to you about this in person.”

“Yes! Please, come see me.”

“Alright. Half an hour.”

“See you then.” Ed hung up. He knew he needed to look into Colin’s eyes to be certain this is what he wanted. He was still wary and guarding his heart. He knew he looked a mess, but now was not the time to worry about that. He almost wanted Colin to be unimpressed, to make sure he was making the right decision. He decided he would keep his pyjamas on. He slipped some shoes on, grabbed a coat and his keys, and left.

———

Ed wasn’t sure if he should knock on the door, it was nearly midnight and he knew Jonny would be asleep, Colin may have even fallen asleep. He knew there was no way he’d fit through Colin’s window. As he stood there weighing his options, the door opened.

“Hey, come in,” Colin whispered. He stepped in and Colin grabbed his hand, holding his finger to his mouth, signalling him to be quiet. He lead him to his bedroom and closed the door, locking it. He unzipped and removed Ed’s coat, placing it lovingly on a chair in the corner of the room. Neither man said a word. He walked up to Ed, and pulled his face down to his, kissing him. It was a kiss full of love, and pain, and everything Colin had been feeling. He licked Ed’s bottom lip and Ed allowed him access. His tongue explored his mouth, every inch of it, dancing on the tip of Ed’s tongue, exploring, then wandering, then retreating back to his own mouth. He pulled away and looked at Ed with eyes of infatuation, yearning, devotedness. Ed’s lips were slightly parted as he studied Colin. Colin didn’t look away, he knew what Ed was doing and he wanted him to see all the adoration behind his eyes. Ed didn’t see hurricanes, he saw calm ocean waves, rippling through him and splashing against the shore. Ed kissed him, dominating his mouth and filling his lungs with all the love he’d been holding onto for years. Ed took him by the hands and lead him to the bed, where he lied down and pulled Colin down on top of him. They kissed, for a long time, breathing how much they loved one another in every breath. They explored each other’s bodies, touching delicately with fingertips, applying gentle pressure, hips twitching, desiring more contact.

Ed was delicate with Colin at first, but Colin demanded more pressure, more contact, harder, faster, so Ed delivered. He’d give Colin anything he wanted, he wanted to give him the world — his entire world, for that’s what Colin was to him. Colin felt the weight of Ed’s love pressing down on him, pushing him down to where he belonged. He finally felt something — he felt everything. Pain, pleasure, complete rapture. Every feeling he’d forgotten about swelled in his body. As he came, he felt a flood of warmth wash over the storms inside him, and suddenly there was calm. A serene landscape, a gentle breeze, a haze of reds and pinks and warm colours.

Ed rolled off him and wrapped him up in his warm, strong arms. Colin pressed his face to Ed’s chest, listening as his heartbeat slowed back to normal.

“I love you, Ed.”

“I love you too Cozzie.” He kissed Colin on the head, inhaling his honey suckle scent. They were soon asleep, dreams a haze of orange sunlight, dull and otherworldly.


End file.
